I’ve been spending the last two months contemplating on what I am, what I have become and who or what I used to be. It may seem a little to dramatic to say that in the past three years my life was assaulted by an endless pit of sad moments and epic failures, but that’s how I see it. Thanks to some recent events I actually began to realize that, even though back then I felt hurt and sad, the pain existed only as an ‘individual’ and not as a howl. Actually the sad moments that I have lived have done nothing more then to ‘awaken’ me from my ‘deep slumber’ I got myself in. But when I stop and think about everything that happened, I realized that in the end, I don’t feel any pain, nor grief, but happiness. A happiness I cannot yet explain for some strange reason, but I hope I will be able to in the near future.
Today was a really busy day for me. Without wanting I ran into some old pictures taken in my childhood, pictures with my late grandmother, my parents and relatives, pictures of my dear old friends, whom I ceased seeing due to life’s unexpected way of ‘working’. I felt deeply marked by all those memories that, until now, where shattered and hidden, locked away by my subconscious in order to block me from feeling sad. But I only realized this after seeing a good friend of mine crying in despair, complaining about how hard her life is, how she is struck between two ‘opposing forces’. It wasn’t until then that I realized what I have done.
By forcing myself to forget bad memories of the past, memories about shattered friendships, of people leaving my side, of failed relationships I did nothing more then to deepen my grief, and actually obscure the path I was walking on. All my life I remember myself complaining about how useless I am, about how I cannot maintain a relationship with someone, about how I am not able of even starting one due to the doubts I have when it comes to other people, about how unfit I see myself in today’s society. Still can’t believe that what I’ve been doing was nothing more then digging my own hole.
I’m not describing some kind of weird-mystical mumbo-jumbo revelation, I’m actually describing what I’m feeling right now, hopping that by expressing everything I have inside of me, I could find a new key that I could use to unlock more secrets to my life. By admitting that I wished not to admit for a long time I hope to find ‘inner peace’ and maybe manage to move on. And there are 3 important topics I wish to cover:
- My own concept regarding myself
I can’t say I’ve been in too many relationships until now… barely 3. What’s really sad about this is not that there where only this few… The problem I’m seeing isn’t even about all 3 of them, but about my last two… Because, I don’t even know which one was more important to me:
- A short one in which I didn’t even manage to believe in because of some external influences
- A mid-term one that I really cared about, one that made me feel happy, special, loved, that ended because of our foolishness.
As I said before, I don’t know which one of them marked me most. Allot of people would say the second, because it was great, but I do not share their beliefs. Even though I was actually sadden because of the brake-up, in time I managed to accept it and think it was for the best. I enjoyed every moment of it, and I smile when I remember about the good times. This because I know I did all I could do… This is why I think I am not at peace with the one before. I think that because I wasn’t sure of what I was doing, because I kept believing what others where telling me, because I was doubting the very person I wanted to care for, I never managed to achieve closure, in one way or another. Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention of trying to get back together and fix that didn’t work before, but I do feel the need to be around that certain person and try to help out as much as possible, as a way of repaying her back for the effort she put in. That small amount of doubt I had in me grew over the years, years which I cannot even ‘count’ for sure! Has it been 3 years, 2 years or even 4? Can’t actually remember, but I know that ‘doubt’ can be a very powerful ‘weapon’ that can do allot of harm. And it’s even more dangerous when the seed of doubt is planted by non-other then the people you considered to be friends.
Back in that time where I was in my second relationship I used to hang out with a bunch of guys and girls that used to visit a park right outside my house. I was fresh out of school, and into my first year of highschool back then, quite vulnerable and eager to grab onto anything that showed me some signs of compassion. I started going out with those guys more and more often. I felt important between them, I felt ‘loved’ in a weird way, I felt like I was apart of something. Can’t believe how badly I was mistaken back then. After a few months of spending time with them I meet a guy on a DC++ channel, someone who shared similar interests in subjects like retro games and anime. He soon introduced me into a group of people who, even after all this years, I respect and consider them to be my true friends. I soon joined their group, and enjoyed spending more time with them then with those before, and this didn’t go unnoticed!
Somewhere around early January I started liking a girl, who was about 2.5 years young then me, and whom I meet in that group. After getting ‘some help’ (smiles to himself) from a common friend, and after a couple of hours searching for a great AMV on youtube, I managed to ask her out and ask her if we can be together. Don’t want to get into to much details about this, because things are long gone, but as soon as she accepted I contacted the guys I used to hang with, and told them about it. Their reaction was not what I expected. They started talking trash about her, how foolish I was to fall for her, how she was something close enough to a ‘tramp’… I didn’t want to believe them because back then I actually wanted to like her because of what she seemed to be, so pure and childish, so I decided to leave them. But it was to late, the seed has already been planted.It’s incredible how hard words could influence me back then. Soon enough I started believe what they said, I started seeing things their way, believing they where telling the truth. I felt so bad around her, so insecure, because a part of me really wanted to believe she was just like I thought of her, and not their version. There was a constant struggle inside of me. That’s why I remember that for about a month I couldn’t even hold her hand, hug or kiss her. I felt trapped and saw no way of getting out.
I believe that the reason I find myself caring so much about something that others can call nonsense, is that she seemed like she tried to put enough effort, that she cared, and even after all this time, I actually do like knowing that someone actually cared about me, and I feel like having to repay that how ever I can.
Anyway, I seem to have forgotten where I wanted to go with this subject. Memories started flooding my eyes, and I kinda lost the subject, turning the 2nd subject into a continuation of the first. Anywho, at least I think that by writing this I got my facts straight, and found one answer I was searching for.
My own concept regarding myself:
Last subject I wanted to talk about is about how I used to view myself cause of how others saw me. For 8 years I’ve had the same class mates, that didn’t share same interests like I did, not even in music, sports nor games. I constantly didn’t feel like I was part of them and even though I socialized quite well with a few, many saw me as a good way of exteriorizing their emotions and anger. Thus I always saw myself as they did. It took me 10 long years to realize I am not what I thought I am, and managed to change the concept I had of myself cause of a special person, that came into my life like a storm, lifting me from the ground, holding me in the air for a few good months, and then dropping me onto the pavement. What happen after she left (yes, I’m talking about the 3rd girl) was incredible. Everything seemed overwhelming, I passed through allot of phases, my mentality kept changing, and I started learning what caring for those special is about, what hatred really is, and, most important, how to like yourself when doing the best you can to help others.
Right now, I’m at peace with everything, or at least I hope I am. Still trying to do my best to help those that surround me and prove myself, still trying to find another special someone which can help me become who I wish to be. I know that by writing this article, and admitting some stuff I didn’t want to, I’ll manage to take one more step on this weird road full of unexpected events that we call life.