Missing what you already have

I’ have been noticing a few clashes between emotions and thoughts. Lately I’ve been attending an event at a small pub in #Bucharest, an event where people reherse one of Shakespeare’s famous plays, Romeo and Juliet. Actually, it’s a modern version of the play. Last week was the first time I heard about it. I sat through the rehersal out of curiosity, thinking it would be a good change of scenery from my nightly routine (this includes drinking industrial quantities of alchool, eg. beer). but after today’s show I realized why I’m looking forward to attending next week.

At first I thought that I follow the reharsels in order to bounce ideas for my projects, or as an inspiration for work, but the truth is that I enjoy watching those people because, somehow, it reminds me of, well, myself back in the day when I used to host events in front of alot of people, something that I haven’t done in more then a year. Truth be told, I feel like that part of me which exploded with joy when it came to be in the spotlight, died when I joined Gameloft, one year ago. My guess is that I focused to much on achieving my dream of becoming a Game Designer, while my other passions and hobbies got tossed aside. Many changes have been noticed during my daily activity, including my current inability to come up with out-of-the-ordinary actions and shocking ideas. It may be because I feel constantly shadowed by my work collegues, who, are indeed , a bunch of high quality people with great achievements, people who I actualy look up to and respect. It’s something natural I guess, but I find my knowledge and inspiration capped, limited, and the single thought that my ideas would turn out to be bad kills me. I know that If I where in this possition two years ago, I’d shock everybody, but right now, I only manage to amaze myself with my stupidity.

I look back today on my past achievements. Not long ago, I won the BIG FEST trophy for the best on-stage monologue and presentation, where, in front of an audiance of 200 people, I managed to bring tears into their eyes only to make them laugh seconds after. I remember when I received the Copernic Award (one of the biggest awards at that event) during a IT contest, where my improvisations skills saved my “arse” from a mountain of flaws and errors my project had. Heck, I even got 1st place in a regional contest (with a class mate) for managing to “sell” a car condom that protected the pedestrians from a deadly impact. I remember writting poems and epic stories, working on games based on simple mechanics that turned out great because of their simplicity, I remember laughing at just about anything, and cheering people up by enganging in simple conversations. All of this things I could do with so much ease seem so hard right now that it’s mind boggling. And I ask myself, why? What has changed in this past year that turned my world around so much?

I regret not the hours spent at work, I actually look forward to them, I look forward to boosting my professional career and rising up the ladder. My only wish is to find a way to balance my huge passion with my hobbies. And I hope I will find it soon, or else, I’ll cease to be myself…