Missing what you already have

I’ have been noticing a few clashes between emotions and thoughts. Lately I’ve been attending an event at a small pub in #Bucharest, an event where people reherse one of Shakespeare’s famous plays, Romeo and Juliet. Actually, it’s a modern version of the play. Last week was the first time I heard about it. I sat through the rehersal out of curiosity, thinking it would be a good change of scenery from my nightly routine (this includes drinking industrial quantities of alchool, eg. beer). but after today’s show I realized why I’m looking forward to attending next week.

At first I thought that I follow the reharsels in order to bounce ideas for my projects, or as an inspiration for work, but the truth is that I enjoy watching those people because, somehow, it reminds me of, well, myself back in the day when I used to host events in front of alot of people, something that I haven’t done in more then a year. Truth be told, I feel like that part of me which exploded with joy when it came to be in the spotlight, died when I joined Gameloft, one year ago. My guess is that I focused to much on achieving my dream of becoming a Game Designer, while my other passions and hobbies got tossed aside. Many changes have been noticed during my daily activity, including my current inability to come up with out-of-the-ordinary actions and shocking ideas. It may be because I feel constantly shadowed by my work collegues, who, are indeed , a bunch of high quality people with great achievements, people who I actualy look up to and respect. It’s something natural I guess, but I find my knowledge and inspiration capped, limited, and the single thought that my ideas would turn out to be bad kills me. I know that If I where in this possition two years ago, I’d shock everybody, but right now, I only manage to amaze myself with my stupidity.

I look back today on my past achievements. Not long ago, I won the BIG FEST trophy for the best on-stage monologue and presentation, where, in front of an audiance of 200 people, I managed to bring tears into their eyes only to make them laugh seconds after. I remember when I received the Copernic Award (one of the biggest awards at that event) during a IT contest, where my improvisations skills saved my “arse” from a mountain of flaws and errors my project had. Heck, I even got 1st place in a regional contest (with a class mate) for managing to “sell” a car condom that protected the pedestrians from a deadly impact. I remember writting poems and epic stories, working on games based on simple mechanics that turned out great because of their simplicity, I remember laughing at just about anything, and cheering people up by enganging in simple conversations. All of this things I could do with so much ease seem so hard right now that it’s mind boggling. And I ask myself, why? What has changed in this past year that turned my world around so much?

I regret not the hours spent at work, I actually look forward to them, I look forward to boosting my professional career and rising up the ladder. My only wish is to find a way to balance my huge passion with my hobbies. And I hope I will find it soon, or else, I’ll cease to be myself…

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One thought on “Missing what you already have

  1. I can say I agree with most of what you just wrote here. In my experience, this is life as an employee, no matter how much you try to “tweak” it. You can only improve it a little and to be honest, sometimes that “little” can make a huge difference.

    I come home from office everyday and I start doing small prototypes or writing down ideas – just like “back in the days” but with much much less time for them as going up with your career usually involves giving up a little bit of everything else.

    In time, those little prototypes and scribbled ideas become project specifications and wireframes that you can turn into a real project – and here’s where it starts to pay off. We used to do projects for fun and they were never 100% (NEVER, no matter what you say). You work hard and have a great job. This is what will allow you to get projects done 100% as projects will need money and a larger set of skills to be completed.

    Now, obviously, things aren’t evolving as quick as you’d like, or things don’t seem to evolve as much as they used to, but I’m pretty sure you’re not looking at the big picture. I know most – if not all – of your projects and they’re great, but look at your career as it stands and try to figure out what you achieved and what skills you managed to improve. You’re evolving on another scale. Maybe not as a developer, event organizer or speaker, but trust me, the skills you’re developing now are just as important.

    You just need to find a balance between work and play and figure out priorities. Being a creative mind can be hard when you’re not the only one deciding the fate of the project, but not impossible. Why would you think your ideas are bad? Maybe they are! So what? Since you’re unsure, they could as well be killer ideas. How would you or anyone else know if you keep them for yourself. Throw them out there and see why they’re bad and how you can fix them. That’s why you work with other people – polish the ideas together and come up with the next killer game.

    Anyway, that’s my two cents, out of personal experience. I could probably go on and write as much as you did, but I’m sure that you just need a bit of a morale raiser and a bit more confidence. Hope you figure it out soon enough.

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