How do you cope with the fact that you let other people down?

Not long ago I applied for a job as a Quality Assurance Engineer at Gameloft’s Bucharest Studio, a job I always dreamed of having ever since my parents first put a NES controller in my hand. I’ve always felt like working in QA would only mean a way of entering the industry and climbing up the ladder from there, but lately, I’ve come to like what I do, and the people I work with. I’m surrounded by a howl bunch of awesome and open-minded fellows which I came, quite easily I may add, to consider friends, not just co-workers. I enjoy every moment of every day working there, knowing that my team is always there to back me up, put a smile on my face and teach me new stuff that I can later on use in my own projects. Heck, I’ve learned a howl bunch of things during the past 4 months, things that I never thought I’d learn this way.

During my first two months I had a little problem adapting with the schedule and learning the type of tests I had to do, and I felt my boss and leads where disappointed with my actions. So I tried to give it my best and for a while, it worked extremely well. I was happy knowing that they actually trusted me hence, for me, it really matters what opinion they have. But old habits keep hitting me in the crouch, so sooner or later I had to do something to upset the balance. And that indeed happen today, due to not paying attention to a task I did allot of time. It wasn’t something really big, but thanks to that little mistake, all my work for that day was annulled. I wasn’t sanctioned, although I hoped I would have. That would have been a hundred time more easy to cope then the look my boss gave me. Seeing the expression of disappointment on the face of the person you look up to is quite… well I can’t find the words to express how I felt seeing Mihai look at me like that. Even worse, I felt really bad when he had to leave offering to shake the hand of my lead, but not mine. I tried so hard during the past few months to grow in his eyes, in the eyes of my team mates only to see all my efforts shattered in the very end.

I feel that every time I try to do something good, every time I set my mind to something, in the end, I always screw it up. It’s like a curse, a curse set upon me by myself.  And the question that keeps running through my head over and over again since 1 hour ago till now is: Why do I keep letting down the people I respect the most? Why do I keep letting down even myself? It’s not the first time I ask myself this, and I know it won’t be the last time, but what can I do? And how can I recover from this? There’s no way of knowing if I would be trusted again, there’s no way of knowing if I could allow myself to be trusted by the team.

Ironically, today I was talking to a friend of mine about how I changed and how “awesome” I am now. This comes to show that even though I feel like I’ve changed allot, in the end, I’m only fooling myself. It’s hard to cope with that, knowing that I have so much potential but I never get to use it all. Another reason I’m upset is that I could have avoided this mistake even after I did it, by cheating with the results. It has crossed my mind, but I don’t think that cheating is the answer. Till now I tried to be as correct as possible, but in the long run, doing the right things always seems to be the stone upon which I trip and fall. I’m not trying to say that starting from now I’ll try to cover up every little mistake I will make, I won’t do that, because what I truly want is not to make mistakes at all. But I can’t stop wondering if I’m good enough to work on something important. For me, working at Gameloft means actually doing something important. My name appears on a few titles, like Asphalt 6 – Adrenaline, a huge personal achievement. I see myself as a peace of the puzzle, one of the bricks that keep a building together. If I screw up, the entire building can crumble and fall apart, thus I cannot afford any more mistakes. But who am I to say this won’t happen again? And even if my Boss “forgives me”, how do I know that I won’t let him down again? How can I live with myself knowing that I may, nay, I will screw something up in the distant future, something of great importance? I don’t wanna quit doing things that matter, but I don’t wanna feel responsible for not doing them right. So I guess my question for you guys is, How do you cope with the fact that you may let other people down?

Any advice is welcomed and encouraged. I’m really interested in hearing your opinions on this subjects and receiving tips. Thank you all for reading.

My New Year resolution [in lack of a better title]

I don’t know how it’s like to be out there like another face in crowd, like a simple passenger in this one way bus called life. My own way of being makes me take the cab, always looking to get to his destination faster, skipping most of the trip not because I am afraid that I will be bored, but because I do not know how it will be like. Recently, I find life to be similar to being punched in the crouch by a mad chimpanzee. It hurts at first, but then I spend the next few days thinking what the hell just happened to me. And I’m saying this because, after each event that happens to cross my path, I like to think about what happened and what could have happened, so much that I start to loose focus on what’s actually important.

I don’t know about you guys, but most mornings I wake up looking to my left, hoping that someone will fill that empty space on the bed, between the wall and my left arm, someone to take my mind away from past events, and keep me focus on the future, my future. A few weeks back I started a project, a daring one I may add, but one I can relate to. But as always, I spent to much time ‘dreaming’ on how I want it to be, more then I worked on it. And now, it’s just a mere shadow of what I imagined it to be. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. Giving up on means that I spent all this time dreaming in vain, and all my concentration was wasted on nothing. I find that to be quite similar to my day to day life. If I could focus on my dreams, in order to make them reality, then everything could change. All I need to do right now is to grab that monkey by the neck, throw it in the air, and start round-house kicking it like Chuck Norris does in… well every time.

One thing I am grateful for, and that is how my life keeps on changing, always moving forward. Lately it has gotten me pumped up with adrenaline thanks to all this crazy shitload of events that started spawning from nowhere. I found a job, a new place to call home, new and old people alike to spend time with, new places to visit, new type of food to eat, a new favorite drink and even a new touch screen for my old iPhone. One thing I’m missing right now is someone to focus on, to inspire me, and with the risk of repeating the same thing posted on and on every 6-7 months on my blog, a person to whom I can relate to. I have my friends, for whom I a grateful for, but I’m still missing that one piece of a puzzle that, once completed, can unlock my full potential, and help me evolve into that un-perfect being full of awesomeness that I can be. Since last year, I’ve been through some changes, mentally and physically thanks to more activity into my sex life. I’ve been with a few girls during this last year, but I found none to relate to actually, and I have myself to blame for that. I’d like to quote my room mate, Leo, and say “I think I’m way to strange since I cannot find someone for me”. And I think it’s true, I’m way to strange for people standards. My temperament is quite moody. My usual self is somewhat cheerful always looking forward to making other people laugh and have a great time, so much that he is willing to put his own appeal to the very limit. But this neat way of life, as I call it, can easily be changed with minimum of effort. I get easily excited by many things, but when a small block appears, I fall into a huge pit of fear and I loose track of my goal. This happened recently when I got excited about someone new I meet only to back away after the first doubt appeared.

I don’t think I had a New Years resolution this time. I think it’s the right time to plan one! This year, I will try to stay focused and follow the path that’s laid in front of me! No more turning back from what ever I decide upon, even if that means loosing. I played way to safe until know and not many things where achieved. All I ask for in return is a simple sign that I should follow that path, so I won’t always be fighting giants. If it’s something related to one of my projects then I’m waiting for a great idea to strike me, if it’s related to a girl then all I ask for is a simple wink and a “hi5”. If it’s related to my job, then heck, I want my boss to tell me that personally, since there’s no way he can “wink” at me, or make a pun related to it.

And that’s all for this blog post. I know I update my blog rarely, but that’s because I have nothing really major to talk about. I’ll blog more about my project once I have a working prototype up and ready, and about my life… well, as soon as I manage to kickstart it! Till then, I wish you best of luck, and may all your dreams and… agh what the heck, may you all get what you want!