Not long ago I applied for a job as a Quality Assurance Engineer at Gameloft’s Bucharest Studio, a job I always dreamed of having ever since my parents first put a NES controller in my hand. I’ve always felt like working in QA would only mean a way of entering the industry and climbing up the ladder from there, but lately, I’ve come to like what I do, and the people I work with. I’m surrounded by a howl bunch of awesome and open-minded fellows which I came, quite easily I may add, to consider friends, not just co-workers. I enjoy every moment of every day working there, knowing that my team is always there to back me up, put a smile on my face and teach me new stuff that I can later on use in my own projects. Heck, I’ve learned a howl bunch of things during the past 4 months, things that I never thought I’d learn this way.
During my first two months I had a little problem adapting with the schedule and learning the type of tests I had to do, and I felt my boss and leads where disappointed with my actions. So I tried to give it my best and for a while, it worked extremely well. I was happy knowing that they actually trusted me hence, for me, it really matters what opinion they have. But old habits keep hitting me in the crouch, so sooner or later I had to do something to upset the balance. And that indeed happen today, due to not paying attention to a task I did allot of time. It wasn’t something really big, but thanks to that little mistake, all my work for that day was annulled. I wasn’t sanctioned, although I hoped I would have. That would have been a hundred time more easy to cope then the look my boss gave me. Seeing the expression of disappointment on the face of the person you look up to is quite… well I can’t find the words to express how I felt seeing Mihai look at me like that. Even worse, I felt really bad when he had to leave offering to shake the hand of my lead, but not mine. I tried so hard during the past few months to grow in his eyes, in the eyes of my team mates only to see all my efforts shattered in the very end.
I feel that every time I try to do something good, every time I set my mind to something, in the end, I always screw it up. It’s like a curse, a curse set upon me by myself. And the question that keeps running through my head over and over again since 1 hour ago till now is: Why do I keep letting down the people I respect the most? Why do I keep letting down even myself? It’s not the first time I ask myself this, and I know it won’t be the last time, but what can I do? And how can I recover from this? There’s no way of knowing if I would be trusted again, there’s no way of knowing if I could allow myself to be trusted by the team.
Ironically, today I was talking to a friend of mine about how I changed and how “awesome” I am now. This comes to show that even though I feel like I’ve changed allot, in the end, I’m only fooling myself. It’s hard to cope with that, knowing that I have so much potential but I never get to use it all. Another reason I’m upset is that I could have avoided this mistake even after I did it, by cheating with the results. It has crossed my mind, but I don’t think that cheating is the answer. Till now I tried to be as correct as possible, but in the long run, doing the right things always seems to be the stone upon which I trip and fall. I’m not trying to say that starting from now I’ll try to cover up every little mistake I will make, I won’t do that, because what I truly want is not to make mistakes at all. But I can’t stop wondering if I’m good enough to work on something important. For me, working at Gameloft means actually doing something important. My name appears on a few titles, like Asphalt 6 – Adrenaline, a huge personal achievement. I see myself as a peace of the puzzle, one of the bricks that keep a building together. If I screw up, the entire building can crumble and fall apart, thus I cannot afford any more mistakes. But who am I to say this won’t happen again? And even if my Boss “forgives me”, how do I know that I won’t let him down again? How can I live with myself knowing that I
may, nay, I will screw something up in the distant future, something of great importance? I don’t wanna quit doing things that matter, but I don’t wanna feel responsible for not doing them right. So I guess my question for you guys is, How do you cope with the fact that you may let other people down?
Any advice is welcomed and encouraged. I’m really interested in hearing your opinions on this subjects and receiving tips. Thank you all for reading.