I’ve been spending the last two months contemplating on what I am, what I have become and who or what I used to be. It may seem a little to dramatic to say that in the past three years my life was assaulted by an endless pit of sad moments and epic failures, but that’s how I see it. Thanks to some recent events I actually began to realize that, even though back then I felt hurt and sad, the pain existed only as an ‘individual’ and not as a howl. Actually the sad moments that I have lived have done nothing more then to ‘awaken’ me from my ‘deep slumber’ I got myself in. But when I stop and think about everything that happened, I realized that in the end, I don’t feel any pain, nor grief, but happiness. A happiness I cannot yet explain for some strange reason, but I hope I will be able to in the near future.
Today was a really busy day for me. Without wanting I ran into some old pictures taken in my childhood, pictures with my late grandmother, my parents and relatives, pictures of my dear old friends, whom I ceased seeing due to life’s unexpected way of ‘working’. I felt deeply marked by all those memories that, until now, where shattered and hidden, locked away by my subconscious in order to block me from feeling sad. But I only realized this after seeing a good friend of mine crying in despair, complaining about how hard her life is, how she is struck between two ‘opposing forces’. It wasn’t until then that I realized what I have done.
By forcing myself to forget bad memories of the past, memories about shattered friendships, of people leaving my side, of failed relationships I did nothing more then to deepen my grief, and actually obscure the path I was walking on. All my life I remember myself complaining about how useless I am, about how I cannot maintain a relationship with someone, about how I am not able of even starting one due to the doubts I have when it comes to other people, about how unfit I see myself in today’s society. Still can’t believe that what I’ve been doing was nothing more then digging my own hole. Continue reading